Tuesday, April 22, 2014

That one time I fell off the face of blogging earth...

You. Guys.
It feels like it's been a billion years since I've last posted!  Despite my best efforts and even with the help of an awesome paper planner on TOP of all my electronic gadgets, life caught up with me and then by-passed me and I was left trying to play catch-up!

I move to the beat of a totally different drum now and the drummer is a teeny, tiny little person who doesn't care that I have a scheduled run coming up or that I haven't blogged in over two weeks. #momproblems

So, here's a quick rundown:

Womp, womp, wooomp.

GAH! So yeah...that happened.  Perhaps I'm being too hard on myself - is it considered a fail if there were zero results?  As in I didn't gain and I didn't lose and I pretty much just ended up at the exact same weight I started with?

CONFESSION: I was a total smug bastard going into this bet too.  I really thought that breastfeeding was going to carry me home.  I even felt bad for everyone else and was all like, "this is going to be SO easy, it's like cheating."  Yeah, well...that didn't happen.  Apparently nursing doesn't help if you have chocolate bars for breakfast and snack times and the occasional green smoothie doesn't get you all that far either.  Go figure...

Since I just wanted to do a quick rundown, I will mention that when I've gotten myself together and not trying to escape drowning by breathing through a straw, I would like to revisit my DietBet attempt and really look into what happened and what I did (or didn't do) and what I learned from it, but for now...moving on!

Yes, that's a training schedule.  What's significant about it?  It's set for me by my running coach.

Say whaaaaat???

CONFESSION: Yes!  I totally got a running coach.  We're kind of frenemies.
CONFESSION: He doesn't know it yet.
CONFESSION: I suspect he'll figure it out soon if he keeps putting more hills in my training.  Ha. ha. ha. I'm joking!
CONFESSION: I'm kind of not...

This guy, if I'm going to get specific.

I know I get these "awesome" ideas - one of them being the Disney half-marathon and once I got cleared to start physical exercise aka running, I had one of those #shitjustgotreal moments and realized that 13.1 sounds nice and easy when you live in Canada and don't really grasp what a MILE means until you convert it into kilometers and then you're like, WTF, WHY WOULD I TELL PEOPLE THAT I PLAN TO RUN 21.1 KMs?!?!

So.  In a pretty whirlwind turn of events, I got a running coach and frenemies comment aside, I think it's one of the best decisions I've made in a while.

It's all easy peasy making all these goal blog posts while I was x many months pregnant, but once The Little Miss was out and I actually had to start lacing up, it was hard to do and all too easy to just not.  Now all of a sudden, I have someone nosing in on my training log and I'll have to answer to them if they message me and ask why I don't have any km's logged like the schedule says I should.  It's motivating knowing that someone's putting legit time and effort into this and it's for real.  It's not like an app that I can just cancel.  It's for real accountability and it's for real working.  No lie when I say EVERY. DAY. I have felt like I didn't want to go for a run.  Every day I want to use the "real life" card and say that The Little Miss threw a giant fit and I couldn't put her down.  Or the husband got home from work late and we ran out of time and it was The Little Miss' bed time.  That I was too tired.  I ran out of time.  That I just plain, old, frickin' didn't want to.  But every day, despite whatever's happening, I've managed to MAKE the time - eke it out one way or another - and get that log filled out.

I just remembered this is supposed to be a quick rundown, so I'll revisit life with a running coach again once I've gotten my crap together!

I'm a "strike while the iron is hot" or "while it's in my head" kind of girl and somewhere along the way, I decided it was time to go back to the world of academia.

CONFESSION: Getting real on you for a minute, one of the reasons why it took us 6 years after marriage to have a baby (besides the actual conceiving difficulties) is that I had a hard time leaving work and dealing with the fear of knowing/feeling that I was being left behind.  My work seems to be at a constant change with revolving doors and I didn't want to find myself on the other side of that door and leaving my position for a year seemed like a fast-track way to do that.  I want to make sure that I am not just pigeon-holed into one type of job where later on, I'll find myself not having the skills or education necessary to advance with evolving job needs/changes so I've registered in a course starting next month to get a feel of how I'll manage.

The course hasn't started yet and already I feel like I'm putting too much on my plate.  The Little Miss is like an entire LIFE let alone a full-time job.  Then there's not just deciding I want to run for fun, but getting a training coach and having to answer to a whole other schedule.  Then there's just other real life, every day stuff.  Like groceries, cleaning, living in the moment, bonding with The Little Miss, reminding myself what my husband looks like by actually SEEING him every once in a while, family moments, special occasions, plus taking cake orders on the side as well, blah blah blah #everyothermomintheworldproblems, I know. 

Diet/nutrition, fitness, running, training, education...those are the second most important things that have been happening lately and the first is that up there.  Because no matter what's happening, or what I'm undertaking or how much I try to stay in the moment, that up there keeps happening.

I feel like I blink and she looks different to me.  Perhaps I'm being melodramatic, but it's like every time I see her, she's changed.  Older.  Different.  I'm scared to miss anything.  I'm so freaked out about messing up.  That I'm trying to do too much and I'm doing it at The Little Miss' expense.  Yes, I can do things at night while she's sleeping, but then I wonder...if I stay up too late, am I crankier the next day and does that affect how I interact with her?  Am I less patient?  Am I less nurturing?  Am I less fun?

Because one day, I was drawing a 2 on that chalkboard and then I barely blinked and I realized that I am a day late in drawing a 3 on it.

I want to teach her so many things but I want her to know that above all else, family is the most important.  And I want to teach her by example.  Sometimes, even though she doesn't really understand yet, I catch myself telling her to hold on while I get a blog post started, or while I log a training run and I have to try really hard to remind myself that that's not her problem.  Perhaps I'm taking a drastic approach to all of this, but I also tell myself that in the blink of an eye it will be gone and I won't have any choice in the matter.  I won't be her whole world anymore and her day will not rise and set with my face and she'll be busy with her own things to do and then my time will be up.  I'll notice that not only will I have time to get a quick (bwahaha, my version of quick anyway) blog post up, I'll have time for MANY because she'll be hanging out with friends, not only will I have time to log a training run, I'll have time to actually RUN long training runs because she'll be going out on dates...etc. etc. insert more mushy, melodramatic thoughts here.  I know, I'm so extra and going overboard, but I'm just trying to find a balance.  Perhaps not a textbook, ideal balance.  But a balance that I can live with.  A balance that I can be happy with.

...aaaaand on that note, I will be scheduling this post to publish itself and I am off to bed to do some pre-bedtime, downtime French lessons via DuoLingo - because, oh yeah.  That's another thing on my plate! :)

1 comment:

littlerunnergrl said...

Oh. My. Gosh.

Story of my life. I've been following you for a while... yay for #teamskora And after now 7 months post-baby I am still not getting it done like I want to everyday. But I love reading your blog and realizing that sometimes it's not just me. thanks for #keepingitreal

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