Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Coffee Date: The Thing About Priorities...

Hi, my name is Catherine.  I smell like sour milk and failure.
Hello there and happy coffee date day!  My beverage of choice today is going to be water because I'm in the middle of an experiment.  I'm cutting out (iced) coffee to see if The Little Miss is sensitive to it in her milk because she hasn't been sleeping as well as she normally does.  I'm aware that newborn sleeping can change daily, but I figured cutting out coffee for a bit will at least rule it out if she continues to play sleep bazinga with me over the next couple of days/nights.  I'm using my awesome new sippy water bottle so it's making me miss my delicious, creamy iced coffee just a tiny bit less.
So...if we were having coffee today, I would ask if you wanted something to eat because while The Little Miss is sleeping, I'm going to take advantage and grab something - today it's Eggo Waffles with some butter and a tiny bit of maple syrup.  Not really because I'm trying to cut back on calories, but when it comes to maple syrup, I don't really like that much for some reason.
CONFESSION: I'd make sure to ask how you're doing and what's been going on with you this week - I'd make sure to listen intently and to make sure that I give you enough time to answer back and have time to talk.  If you're new to having coffee with me, you may not already know that I'm kind of known to hog the conversation.  I am aware of it and am working on it.

If we were having coffee, I'd make sure it was my turn before I launch into my thoughts on priorities.  Priorities in that I'm having a hard time with them because all of a sudden everything seems to contradict or war with each other.

At the end of the day, I'm sure you'll tell me what I'm feeling is on par with all new parents, and I swear I'm trying to tell myself as well because I know that, but it just doesn't make the feeling go away.

I feel like I'm not spending enough quality time with The Little Miss.  But then I think to myself, she's just so new, there isn't much more to really do with her yet
Example: Feeding.  Girlfriend eats a lot.  As in often.  And sometimes for long periods of time.  I was getting by first on watching the Olympics and then after that, I was reading blogs and FBing on the iPod while she got about her business.  Then I read an article expressing specifically that I shouldn't be doing that.  I should be taking the time to bond with my little girl and making eye contact and reveling in our time together as it goes by all too soon and I will never, ever have it again and I'm awful for wasting the time by surfing on my device or zoning out on the television.  
Then there's the "sleep when she sleeps" advice.  While that would be lovely, when does stuff get done?  I've read the articles that say that the dishes can wait, the laundry can pile up, get your partner to help you, etc., etc., but they're just talking about chores.  What about getting back into shape.  Reading a book.  Blogging.  Somehow, it seems like if I don't want to spend my "spare" nap time cooking and cleaning, anything else I want to do seems frivolous.  And then just typing that out makes it seem like now all I'm doing is sitting around blogging or working out and NOT cleaning or cooking. When lately, as I mentioned earlier, Little Miss has been having some nap rebellion and has taken to teeny, tiny cat naps where she'll fall asleep in my arms but when I put her down, her eyes snap open simultaneously with her mouth and she's like, "Bazinga! I was just kidding, I'm not sleeping! Feed me!"
I caught myself rocking her back to sleep and cooing, "Go to sleep Ava Bear, mama's got stuff to do!" which then immediately made me feel like crap because I was hurrying my kid to sleep and missing out on this quality bonding time just so I could do stuff?
I'd catch myself thinking how nice it would be when she'd be old enough to communicate her needs and for me to be able to reason with her and then feel awful because I've caught myself wishing away - if only for a moment -  this precious time that really does go by all too fast and I'll find myself longing for when it's gone.  I feel like within myself and my own thoughts and feelings I can't even win.
So that's pretty much how the day goes.  A rollercoaster or ups and downs of seriously heart expanding joy and then feelings of complete and utter selfishness and failure.
As much as there are a lot of helpful articles out there, is it just me or does it sometimes feel like those parenting articles and websites do more to make you feel like a complete moronic failure than it really helps?
If we were having coffee, I would apologize for going off on such a long tirade and wonder if I made even a little bit of sense. 
If we were having coffee, I would thank you for just listening to it all and let you know that even if I didn't make sense the entire time, just letting it out has made a difference and I've probably taken up some rite of passage into the new parent club.  If you haven't joined it yet, I'd still tell you without a shadow of a doubt that it's absolutely worth it and if you're already in the club and witnessing my initiation, we can probably share a knowing look now that I'm part of it all.
Your turn again.  If we were having coffee, what would you want to tell me?

1 comment:

sarah said...

I havent joined the mommy club yet but I can only imagine I would have the same thoughts.
I love me time and always will. I don't think you should feel bad about it. I think in the end it will keep you sane and make you a better mom, because you have taken care of yourself, in whatever way that is.

Id probably also tell you to stop reading stuff! The internet gives us too much only "kind of" good information. Give yourself permission to only listen to what you think will work for you... and if it doesn't, forget about it. In the end you get to build your family the way you want it to be...whether the internet likes it or not. ;)

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