Tuesday, September 10, 2013

Getting a grip...

I've found myself in this weird dynamic where I forget that although this blog is public and I love it when I get visitors and readers and people who comment with feedback and "I hear ya's", I also forget that it's mine and that I can write whatever I want.  So much so that lately, I'll find myself thinking about posting or wanting to write about something and then catch my "other" self saying "naaah, nobody wants to read about that."  Or I think it's not interesting or entertaining or helpful enough and then I end up not posting anything for days on end.

Today I'm going to try and overcome that because I'm hoping that one day I'll read back on it and it'll help me understand me or at least remind me of things when everything is moving at lightning speed and I just need a moment or two to collect myself.

Because today was kind of whack.

It was one of those days that felt bad enough that there was just no pulling back from it.  Or, hopefully to better describe it, one of those days where no inspirational words or posters was going to help and in fact, hearing it or even telling it to myself pissed me off even more.  It's like sometimes, I know the inspirational things are supposed to help put things in perspective but it also feels like you're no longer entitled to having feelings.  I have this complex now where I feel like I am no longer entitled to feeling sad or upset about something happening because I have to remember that somewhere other there, someone else is experiencing chemical warfare and aren't I such a selfish bitch for even daring to feel bad about something not going right in my life.  Or is that just me?  Chances are, in the mindset I'm in, I'm over thinking things.

Example: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Eleanor Roosevelt (but let's be honest, I never heard of it until the Princess Diaries movie).  I'm sorry, but sometimes, with my consent or not, I've felt it and it doesn't make me feel all sunshiny wonderful when besides feeling that way, I am now being blamed for it.  And I feel like the closer I'm getting to motherhood and learning how to be a parent and comparing and feeling like I'm being measured against other parents, I don't think my telling myself that quote is really going to make me NOT feel it.

I know I'm rambling and ranting and raving...

Today just wasn't a fun today and perhaps it really is mostly my fault for not preparing better, not planning better, for putting too much on my plate or whatever the reason.  But I guess it got to the point where I got home, sat down for a few seconds and Bart walked in the door and reminded me that we were supposed to be somewhere and that we were already running late.  After getting home from work late because I was trying to take care of things at work and then driving home thinking of all the things there left to do at work, or at home, or things that I should be doing, or things that I haven't done, etc., etc., etc., it was just the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.  I kind of lost it to the point where Bart gets out of the bathroom and finds his wife sobbing uncontrollably and inconsolably on the couch with one of her legs halfway back in the pant leg of the pants she had just taken off a few minutes ago (you mean you don't immediately take off your pants when you get home?  Yeah, me neither...)

This was the time when I used one of those inspirational, pick-me-up quotes to pull myself together and we managed to finally get out the door (with my pants on) and get headed to where we were headed.  But I guess I can't just push whatever emotional (hormonal?) thing that was happening to me away, because as we got nearer to where we were supposed to be, I found myself losing it again so that Bart had to pull over into a parking lot and just give me a minute.

And somewhere during this heartbreaking sobbing of mine, I'm having a conversation with myself where I KNOW this reaction is completely unnecessary.  I HATE when other people get like this because it solves NOTHING.  The only thing to do is just get through it.  Pick up and go.  I was pep talking, berating, scolding, encouraging, inspiring myself to just stop whatever this is and just do what it is I always do.  Just keep going.  Focus on getting through because this crying business wasn't really helping matters either.  And even though this kind of self-talk usually works for me, for some reason this time around, it was probably the oil that was continuing to ignite my hysterics.  Because the sad, overwhelmed, stressed out me is now sad that I can't even take a minute to feel sad, overwhelmed and stressed.


I feel like I'm going around in circles and not really getting anywhere.

But I wanted to write about it.  To acknowledge that it happened and that I felt sad.  For no reason, or for no good reason, and it may or may not have been my fault, partially or otherwise, but I felt it.

It's kind of scary though.  Seems like a sneak preview into what post-partum feelings might feel like.  When you know you just want to cry and you can't really figure out why or how to stop it.  It's like I was trapped within myself and had no control or choice except to ride it through.  Does that seem a bit dramatic?

Later on, we were at my sister-in-law's and she had a big dinner prepared for us and I felt perfectly fine after, so now I'm wondering if I wasn't just really hungry (or shall I say HANGRY) and needed to eat.  Which kind of explains it considering that I was so busy at work I forgot to drink ANY water or eat any of my snacks and only had a bowl of cereal for lunch (raisin bran which is my current favourite - the one with two scoops of raisins). 

Anywho, so yeah...that happened.

On the bright side, I ran 4km at lunch and then had chicken wings for dinner and my Happy10K medal came.  :)

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