Sunday, August 25, 2013

Baby steps forward...

Hello! 

I kid you not, I have about four or five drafts from over the last few months that I've tried to post, but for one reason or another, they just never got published.  CORRECTION: I never got around to finishing any of them and therefore there was nothing to publish!

Just getting home from a weekend up at the trailer with some friends and surprisingly, I'm finding I have some extra energy so we're going to see how much I can get done and I'm just going to push PUBLISH after, no matter what!

So getting right down to it:

I'd LOVE for you to meet this little munchkin!  In just a little over 24 hours, I will be able to let you know if it's a little man or a little miss!  I'm kind of beside myself with excitement, to be honest!  I have been defaulting to call him a "HIM" as I really feel like it could be a little him in there, but as surprises go, you never know!  He or she, I LOVE his/her little belly and his/her little fists and his/her little nose and...just....WEEEEEEEE!!!

So here's the thing, if you haven't picked up on it already...

CONFESSION: I'm pretty much at exactly 20 weeks (hence getting to see if we can find out the sex of the baby) and not only did I disappear from this blog and social media in general, I also disappeared from my "healthy lifestyle change" that I had worked so hard on nine months, incidentally.  I didn't even disappear on purpose...I was just too busy stuffing everything I could get my hands on into my mouth, and when I wasn't doing that, I was passed out and probably dreaming of the rest of the things I could eat the next time I was conscious again.

Pregnancy is...something.  That's it, just something.  You can read all the "What to Expect" you want, but it's just something.  Everyone tells me every pregnancy is different and it still didn't prepare me for what mine feels like...or felt like in that first trimester.

I. Was. TIRED.  I'm typing this thinking about how all the mom's are already thinking that I have NO IDEA what tired means until the little munchkin gets here, but compared to any other kind of tired I'd felt up until that point, I was pretty darn tootin' tired.  I was actually glad to finally figure out that perhaps I should find out if I was pregnant, because for the first little while, I just couldn't figure it out and I thought I was backsliding a little bit fitness-wise.  I just couldn't figure out why I was getting SO tired and worn out and out of breath running our lunch time 5Ks when I was expecting it to feel better and better every single time.

Things just felt so different so fast!  When I found out I was pregnant (yay!), I was happy to understand the reasoning behind my lack of any physical motivation or prowess whatsoever, but it was still disheartening.  I attempted to push through for a bit but was so discouraged to see that it took me 21 minutes to do not even 2.5K.  I could read over and over again how I was supposed to slow down, be more conscious of my heartrate and just be happy to get out there, but considering all the gadgets I own that record data...I just couldn't get past it.

Needless to say, it didn't really take all that much for me to just drop off the face of my recently discovered healthy nirvana.  I just wanted to eat everything and by everything, I mean all the food that I hadn't even thought of touching EVER again since the healthy lifestyle change.  I had meant it when I said it was for LIFE. 

I couldn't figure out if it was really pregnancy or the former chubster still hanging out within me that was going crazy for all the food I was wanting.  It felt like I could shank someone for a poutine.  No lie.  The thought of eating any of my usual, healthy, clean food honestly made me want to cry. 

CONFESSION: I had a complete meltdown inside of a Swiss Chalet restaurant when Bart tried to remind me that I told him to make sure I stuck to my healthy eating goals after I ordered a poutine.  He very kindly suggested that perhaps this time around, I should order my usual tomato and cucumber Mediterranean salad with my chicken and I legit lost it.  Like, big fat tear drops streaming down my as-large-as-they-could-get Asian eyes, trembling bottom lip and a broken heart.  Honest.  I felt like the world was over at the thought of him trying to take away my poutine from me and giving me some dirty vegetables covered in oil.  Somewhere in the back of my mind, I recognized that the amount of grief that I was feeling was completely alarming and unnecessary, but I just couldn't stop it.  Bart and I have since not returned to that Swiss Chalet since that visit.  I am hoping that I have also since gotten a hold of myself since then.

Anyways, what I'm trying to get at is that I had the VERY best of intentions prior to getting pregnant and all those completely flew out of my head/brain the second the hormones hit.  Sad to say, anything healthy I had been able to achieve within the months prior to my tinkling on a stick was the worst thing that got hit.  There were a few handful of times that I did attempt to try going for a fit pregnancy, but 1 km "jogs" barely seem to count so I would just give up and head on back to my bed and snuggle with pillows and when he allowed it, Chewy.


Fast forward a tiny bit and I finally hit that lovely happy place called the second trimester!  I had since almost stopped reading "What to Expect When You're Expecting" since inconveniently, I seemed to not be experiencing much of the things it was telling me to expect.  (I have since been told multiple times that I should keep this a secret from other pregnant women as going through the whole first trimester while not feeling pregnant AT ALL - minus the fatigue, I guess - is something to be coveted).

Tara had wisely steered clear of me exercise-wise during my first trimester and was very indulgent with my "cravings" (can you call wanting to eat ALL the things cravings?).  But as soon as it was clear that I was past the first trimester and getting back all of my energy and pre-pregnancy disposition, she was back to business and snapping at me to gather up my running things and shut up and get them on.  No more excuses and NO giant baby.

CONFESSION: I had a very life-like dream that I gave birth to a GIANT baby, where as a newborn, I'd be holding him in my arms and his teeny, tiny, (not so) new born feet was dragging on the ground and then a few days later, he was tearing through the city (godzilla like) pushing buildings over roaring for his mom and his milk.  *wince*

Tara took this as a sign that it was time for me to get off my preggo butt and get back to work.  Any kind of work.

I whined.  Like....a LOT.  Leading up to the run we scheduled where I finally agreed to actually TRY to get out there was a nightmare.  I'm not even sure who had it worse, me at the thought of having to get out there when I was my results were so dismal a few weeks back, or Tara who had to listen to a LOT of very loud, very whiny....whining.

But we got out and I was pleasantly surprised.  NO, things were not the same pre-pregnancy and no, I would not be clocking any PRs in the next little while and no, I wouldn't be banging out 5Ks non-stop, but YES, I. DID. IT.  Or I guess I should say WE did it.  To be honest, there was no way I would have ever gotten back on the running "saddle" if Tara hadn't pushed.  I was quite content to just be a whatever it was I was heading towards.  I actually had my boss on stand-by to come get me if I decided that any time during the lunch hour I was done for and she would come to get me.  But I didn't need it and we got back just shy of me hitting 5K!  I tried to insist on running around the parking lot until I got to it, but I had run out of lunch hour and Tara flat out refused to do circles in the staff parking lot.  But there it was....first time out in quite a while and it was something.

It even felt good enough to get back out there again a couple days later, though a little disheartening to realize that it felt tougher than it had that first day out.

Granted, I did push myself a tiny bit harder.  There was no way I wasn't going to hit 5K again!  I understood that I needed to take it easy, but I still wanted to improve.  I'd laid out a starting off point a couple days earlier, I just wanted it to be better this next go around.

Sadly, you'll see that outfit quite a bit since it's pretty much the only thing that is still fitting me in workout gear.  It's hard to go out and buy larger sizes again (even if it is to accommodate the little baby (yay!) that's growing) after you'd promised yourself you weren't going to be buying larger sizes again.

I realize this is getting epically long again, but it's not a blog post from me if that doesn't happen, right!?

This is my first pregnancy, so please understand that I write everything about it knowing like...negative to the power of a lot.  I've read some books and articles and like my OB mentioned, there seems to be a different answer for everything out there.  So anything I say will just be another tidbit of something to toss into the massive amount of everything that's out there regarding pregnancy.  My words or thoughts and actions are not anything to place any basis on.  I'm just plugging along taking little tiny baby steps as the little munchkin grows into his/hers.

I've had many family members who subscribe to some very old school (old-fashioned?) rules regarding pregnancy and I've read articles that are less so.  Being my first, I end up getting a little bit nervous when those older rule subscribers always back up their advice with "well, you don't want to find out the hard way, do you?" And no, of course I don't.  But I also don't want to be scared of EVERYTHING.

Everything is just so polar opposites.  Don't lift heavy, don't lift anything at all, lift a little, lift a little more than a little.  Don't let your heart rate go over 140, it's okay so long as you don't overheat, it's okay if you worked out before, it's not okay to start working out now, but work out a little.  It's like....all these things and I'm just going back and forth and at the end of the day I just want to scream "WHAT DOES THAT ALL MEAN!?"  (And also, "SOMEONE GET ME A POUTINE!")

But at the end of the day, my OB also told me to pick a very FEW, limited handful of trusted people and just listen to advice from them only, but also to listen to myself.  I may not have had a baby before but I hopefully know what feels good and what doesn't and to be able to make some decisions regarding that and to be responsible enough to seek professional advice/help when I'm in doubt or can't tell the difference.  So in the meantime, I've decided to go for that....a bit.

Technically, only those few handful of people *coughs* Melissa via Google Talk *coughs* know how much I've flipped and doubted and second-guessed and freaked myself out throughout the course of the day and I'm very lucky for their endless amount of patience - or at least display of patience - that they've bestowed upon me.

For the record, I have started to lift a tiny amount of weights: nothing more than 3lbs in each hand to Shaun T's Hip Hop Abs: Total Body Burn (which, CONFESSION: is really frickin' hard right now when before I wouldn't even break a sweat doing it twice) and I had set a goal for myself to not get over 160 bpm in heartrate, although I've gone over that for very BRIEF amounts of time before I take a rest or start to walk to allow my heartrate to come back down.  I've also started to get a better handle on my eating habits and the cravings or poor fast-food eating habit regression or WHATEVER it was and I've been able to return to some cleaner eating, although definitely not as clean as pre-pregnancy days.

I'm trying to muddle through and do the best I can while being accountable to someone else that's not myself, and it seems like this is the start of trying to do that for an entire lifetime, be it mine or the little munchkins, it all seems to be the same now.

So, I guess that's that for right now.  I'm so excited that I'll finally be able to publish something after such a hiatus, and I'm hoping that I'll be able to get into a more regular habit of posting again! 

Next post - the 10K that happened!

1 comment:

Marti Wills said...

Yay for getting back at it! And yea the first trimester - TIRED. Holy crap tired. Really really don't listen to the old wives tales/old fashioned info. Heck my Cuban grandma was appaled when she found out I went to the grocery store when my first one was 2 weeks old because in Cuba women didn't get out of bed for 40 days or do anything to take care of the baby. Um ok - you were rich I was not grandma! hahhaha! Go with your gut, research a lot and always go with common sense because alot of times you will think - that doesn't make any sense.....hahha!!!

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