Monday, November 26, 2012

Insanity Day 31 - 33: Re-assess and Reflect

It's pretty awesome how things seemed to line up pretty well schedule-wise. This past week I finished my Core Cardio & Balance Week and today I had my two-month assessment at the gym.  So it worked out pretty well that I was able to get that assessment in before the second part of Insanity starts.

I'm pretty sure I mentioned on here already that my first assessment wasn't the greatest experience for me.  Sure I knew it wasn't going to be a glowing report about my health but the fitness consultant's transparent goal to get me to sign up for personal training sessions and her strategy of making me feel awful about myself to get me there had me leaving the gym just wanting to cancel my one-day old membership and heading to the nearest chicken nugget supplier to stuff my face.

Instead, I had some AWESOME friends who told me to forget her and focus on proving to her that she was wrong.  That I don't need at least 100 personal training sessions to even get close to my goal weight.  They told me to prove her wrong by showing her that it won't take at least 77 weeks to get close to my goal weight.  And that once I hit that goal weight (which incidentally is still too high for my height) I could celebrate that I got there and shatter that goal if I wanted to.  And they told me for the icing on this proverbial revenge cake, that I could do all of this and show her - all without a personal trainer.  They told me I could.  They told me they would help. And I can because they are.

I walked into her office today 21 pounds lighter than when I walked out of there two months ago. Based on all the measurements in the areas she took, I also walked in there down 18.75 inches in total and with 4% less body fat than the last time I was there.

She asked what changes I had made since the last time I was in her office and I talked MFP up like I invented it.  Not only was I proud of myself, I was proud of this community.  For existing solely for the purpose of helping people achieve what they want to achieve and not asking for anything in return.  She asked if I was sticking to my committment to coming to the gym three times a week and I said not lately since I was finding I was getting in a lot of workouts and exercise all on my own at home and out and about without having to come in.  I just became accountable to myself and to my friends IRL and here on MFP who told me that I could do it.

And then she said that the first 20 pounds are the easiest to lose anyway and the real test would be losing the next 20. #facepalm.

I just had to turn my head and kind of laugh in disbelief a bit.  I guess people don't like to be proven wrong.  Although I really did try my best not to rub my personal trainer-less lifestyle in her face.  It's not like I said anything negative about them.  I just wanted to prove that it wasn't for me and it would have been good of her to get to know me even a LITTLE bit before telling me that that was the only way to achieve what I had set out for myself.  She scheduled this follow-up solely because I said no to the personal training sessions the first time around and she said that she would schedule a follow up to assess how I do working out by myself and if the results aren't great and I really did care about my health, that I would then need to sit down with my husband and re-arrange our finances to make personal training a priority for me.
After we tallied up the results of this second assessment, instead of telling me she recommends 100 personal training sessions for me like she did last time, she changed it to perhaps I only need one session a week now, just to focus on my strength training since that's where I did the least amount of improvement on.  I politely declined and we closed up the assessment and she did not offer to schedule another follow-up to see where I'm at in the next two months.

I left with a smile on my face.  Not because I feel like I did end up being able to prove to her that in my case, she was wrong about the personal training and I didn't take to heart her comment about my journey to losing these 20 pounds to be the easiest.  I left because whatever she or anybody else can say, or how they say it, the numbers on the piece of printed paper I took with me don't lie.  They don't have a particular tone of voice or a certain attitude or an agenda or a weekly quota of having to sell PT sessions.  The numbers just say it like it is.  And my numbers have negatives in front of them.  And my paper has lots of 'em.

At the end of the day, it's not about her anymore.  Yes she made me angry and yes, maybe I can give her the credit that her making me angry really pushed me, but I hope that  I was just being too sensitive over news I didn't like and that she doesn't actually come across that way to other people.  Because perhaps the next person who feels that she treated them like that won't have as great a support network of friends like I do.  Perhaps they haven't had a chance to find MFP where people will tell them that yes, they CAN do it but also provide constructive, honest criticism and positive reinforcement and support stories, too.  And maybe that person will end up where I wanted to run - which was the nearest fast food joint and just call it a day.

It's funny though, thinking about her comment about the first 20 pounds being the easiest to lose.  Because I've been on the fence about that.  There are some days where I've felt like the last 60+ days have been the hardest 60+ days of my life.  Every day trying to figure out what I can eat.  How many calories is in something before I put it anywhere near my mouth.  Having to try to blend with everyone else during social functions and trying not to call attention to the fact that I can't order what everyone else is ordering.  I can't conform to how everyone else is eating.  Ordering water when everyone else is ordering whatever they want.  Placing the longest order and probably being a server's least favourite customer because I have to ask for things to be put on the side, or hold this or that, or can you substitute this for that?

Waking up at 5:30 in the morning on some days because I know the rest of the day will be busy and there will be no time for any kind of workout later on.  Having to figure out what other things aren't as important and that can be ignored for a while or having to let my husband pick up the slack on the things I'm not doing because I'm trying to "find the time" to make my health a priority.  Having to say no to family or social get-togethers because I need to fit a workout in or because everything else that I've had to let slide around me has finally piled up and I still need to find the time to do them.  Trying to find a balance between being prepared and NOT borderline obsessive about weighing food, knowing portion sizes, prepping food ahead of time for the week and then having to order something and trying not to freak out because I've lost control over what's being put into my meal.  Getting my butt up and moving when all I feel like doing is spending time with my husband or my family.  Keeping moving when all I want to do is pass out.  Not being sure whether it's sweat or tears running down my face because I'm trying to push myself as much as I can.  Being scared to go to the bathroom because it means I'll have to try to sit on the toilet and my quads are already on fire and I may not be able to get back up.

It's funny because none of that seemed all that easy.  To have someone so flippantly say it to me like it was and like I shouldn't dare feel as proud of myself as I do for having done it for the last two months, like it was no big deal...
Then again, maybe it's true.  Maybe losing twenty is no big deal and perhaps my journey to the next twenty pounds will reach a standstill.  Maybe all the work that I feel like I've put in is nothing to what I'm going to have to do now to even lose a couple pounds. Perhaps this consultant isn't here to mollycoddle me but tell me things the way that they are and I'm just being too sensitive.

Let's say none of that matters.

Ten pounds, twenty pounds.  I've decided that in the long run, it no longer matters.  I'm going to keep going because I've promised myself that this is a lifestyle change.  My priority is no longer how much I weigh, but how I feel about what I put into my body and how I feel about what I do to and with my body.

I have been re-assesed and now I'm reflecting.  I remember exactly how I felt during the first day of Insanity.  I could barely do any of the sets that was illustrated to me on the TV.  And now I'm doing everything that those people on the TV are doing.  How much I weigh or not, there's been a difference in me and about me.  Before I couldn't and now I can.   That's all there is to it.  If my new goal for this new lifestyle of mine is to continuously try to turn everything that I can't do into something that I can, everything else follows.  If the food I'm eating doesn't allow me to change the can't I'm working on into a can, then it has to go.  If the food I'm eating is helping me change my can't into a can, then clearly it's the right thing to be eating.  If in the time I continue to attempt changing my can'ts into cans cause me to lose weight and tone muscles, etc. then it's an awesome bonus.

Two months ago, I couldn't do ONE push-up.  So that was one of my main goals.  I wasn't even thinking about the food I needed to eat.  I just knew that the next time I was asked to do a push-up, that I would be able to do it.  Today I did 15.  And these are sans knees push-ups y'all.

Anywho, I feel like my mind has gotten away from me and I'm just rambling and we all know how long my posts are already.  33 days in to Insanity and 60 days into this lifestyle change and all I can say for me is that I will keep going.

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