Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Unsent Letters

Dear Person who Returned Melissa's iPhone,

Thank you for doing that!  You have given a teeny tiny ray of light in my pitch black view of humanity.  I probably won't remember this again after this week is over, but at least you can rest assured that I won't be cursing your warm private areas with an infestation of the fleas of a thousand camels, or the bites of 10,000 mosquito before you fall into a pool of pirranahs. 

*LOOKING AT YOU, HEART RATE MONITOR and/or SUNGLASSES STEALER*

Wishing you good karma your way!

Sincerely,
Bitter victim of thievery

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Unsent Letters

Dear Glee cast,

Welcome back!  See you in June! :D

P.S. Even though I think I paid waaaaaaay too much money for the tickets to crap-ass seats and I can think of TONS of other things I could use with that money - including going BACK to the states and getting my jacket and more stuff for MYSELF.  You better be worth it.

Sincerely,
Reluctant Fan

Monday, April 18, 2011

Unsent Letters

Dear Norris,

Thank you for opening up your bakery however many years ago.  I will be forever thankful for the birth of delicious long johns.  I would also like to thank your staff for having a whole TRAY of them available when I walked in, because as you know, long johns are usually gone by 10 am.  So, really it was fate that they were still there and I couldn't NOT get half a dozen of them.

Sincerely,
Do I have white powdered sugar on my face?

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Unsent Letters

Dear John @ work,
It was a good idea to make us give back our building keys because you had the building entrances replaced with fobs instead.  Except when I got into the building today, I couldn't get past the stairwell because the stairwell to floor entrances don't have fobs and we now no longer have keys to get in.  Maybe you should clarify that the fobs are really stairwell entrances and that you don't really want any one to actually get into their offices or you could get your crap together and fix it.  Just a suggestion.

Sincerely,
Stuck in a frickin' stairwell

Friday, April 15, 2011

Unsent Letters

Dear Ultrasound girl,

Unfortunately, I did not enjoy meeting you, despite the circumstances not being totally your fault - and I DEFINITELY did not enjoy your surprise.  If you want to play video games or with joysticks, please go to the arcade.  Thanks.

P.S. I think you should also be grateful that I didn't pee on you.  If you're going to tell everyone to drink five glasses of water an hour before coming in, you shouldn't press down so hard!

Sincerely,
Full Bladder

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Unsent Letters

Dear Johnny from BodyFlow,

Thanks for the workout yesterday.  Felt stupid, but my whole body hurts nonetheless, so I must have been doing something good.  See you next week!

Sincerely,
Sore-all-Over

P.S. Dear Eric,
BAM!  Thanks for the show! *LOL*

Sincerely,
BWAHAHAHA

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Unsent Letters

Dear Dirty Thief,

Thanks for seeing my Polar heart rate monitor strap and transmitter and NOT turning it in.  I hope you are haunted by dreams of it coming to life and strangling you while you are sleeping so that you will never know a good night's rest EVER.  Or that I somehow had some kind of weird, diseased sweat fungus that I left on the strap and you are now totally infected by it and that you get gangrene on all your sensitive bits and you forever smell like rotting cottage cheese.   That's what should happen to people like you.  Enjoy the transmitter and strap.  I hope you think of me when karma comes back to bite you in your dishonest, sneaky, dirty self.

Sincerely,
Legitimate Heart Rate Monitor strap/transmitter Owner
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...