Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Unsent Letters

Dear Laughing Cow,
I *LOVE* you.  Where would I be without you?  Probably stuck eating undeserving, un-tasty cheese strings - for more calories than they're worth!  But you!  You're so creamy, soft and delicious.  You feel like I'm being bad or cheating, but alas, for TWO of you, it's only 70 calories!  How can it be?!  Who cares?! Your mere existence brings joy to my utterly drab and boring salad!  It brings happiness to my dull, undelicious snacks.  I promise NEVER to go vegan just so we can always be together because no substitute can ever really replace what you and I have.

Love,
Omnivorous Cheese Lover

Dear Mean, Evil Co-Worker,
I know what you're trying to do and I won't be playing your evil, evil game!  At first, I thought I was going to faint when you walked in here and wafted sweetly, delicious apple fritter aroma in my face.  Just holding up the box doesn't detract from the fact that I can picture each single, plumply delicious piece of apple all puffed up with fluffy batter and covered generously in cavity-inducing sugar, all of it still warm and slightly crispy from coming out from the devil's gift that is also know as the deep-fryer.  *inhale*

Well, think again because I have clued in to your evil plot!  For years now it's been you and I starting false diet after false diet, but you never really felt all that bad at cheating or quitting it because I was always right behind you.  But now I'm getting close to finally finishing something that I've started and seeing results and you don't like it!  All of a sudden the cheese (not you, wonderful Laughing Cow, I would never pair you with this monstrosity) stands alone and it's YOU!  Thanks but no thanks!  I will *NOT* be wanting any of those delicious slices from heaven to bring warmth and happiness to the otherwise empty dark hole that is my stomach.  I don't NEED it!  But thanks for testing me and letting me find out that I'm stronger than I thought!

Sincerely,
Your No-Longer-Diet-Quitting Buddy

P.S. Dear Apple Fritters,
Please don't be upset, it's not you, it's me!  I'm the one who can't have you!  I'm not good enough for you anymore!  Each time you touched my lips I would just be filled with fear and regret.  That's not how you want our relationship to be based on, right?  It would just be wrong.  How can either of us be happy like that?  Oh, I'm sure we would be in the beginning, but eventually the guilt would tear us apart and eventually we'd end up resenting each other.  Believe me, it's better this way.  You deserve someone who will love you for everything that you are.  Unfortunately, it just can't be me anymore...

Regretfully,
Me

Dear Malcolm and Fellow Huck Buddies,
As a current part-time player/filler-inner, it is my position that I should be elevated to full-time, official Huck Buddy for many reasons.  I believe that I can bring more to the table and act as a possible asset rather than a liability to your team, I sincerely enjoy the game and the added physical activity (I burn anywhere from 300 - 400 calories in a game!) and comradarie are an absolute bonus.  I have gone ahead and looked up Ultimate (did you know it was only called Ultimate now without the word frisbee as the name Frisbee is a trademark from a Toy Company that of which the Ultimate Association does NOT use their products and therefore was unable to include the name Frisbee in its official title?) and I have read up on the history of the game and familiarized myself with all the rules and have also thus looked up possible offensive and defensive tactical maneuvers to better acquaint myself with the game.

I also believe that I have the right attitude that complements the entire team as well as meets with the entire Ultimate criteria regarding the spirit of the game (or TSPOG as it is often abbreviated).  I am a team player and can work in a multicultural team environment.  I believe that my positive attitude can only add to the team's overall morale and boost confidence or otherwise induce laughter should the feeling of losing over and over again become too much.  May I also add that I can burp with the best of them which doesn't really do anything for the team but I promise can be quite grotesquely impressive.

With all that I can bring to the field, I believe it would be a good move for yourself and the rest of the Huck Buddy members to officially induct me into the team so that I may feel more comfortable coming out to the Sunday games and enjoying myself without feeling particularly awkward.

Also, as a final point of persuasion, I also offered to pay half the registration fee to even up the playing field so to speak.

Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from you.  Ie. Malcolm, what's taking so long to answer your E-Mail? Can I play or not?!  Please be advised that I'm inclined to deduct personal spirit points the more days it takes to receive a reply.  Have a good day!

Sincerely,
Hopefully Prospective Huck Buddy

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